BY: HANNAH ANDERSSON
Some people seem to be pretty content with "it is what it is" or arrive at perspectives in absolute truths. But for some reason I seem to ask question like, "there must be a reason behind the reason" or "what if there is something I'm not seeing, a more expanded perspective?". This curious spirit of mine has proven to be very supported by the Universe always providing me with the information I'm seeking. As Jesus said in Matthew 7:7 “Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you.
I was starting to notice a pattern in my own relationships to men, causing me to wonder and ask the Universe to unveil what is hidden from me. What are my blindspots? Shortly after I was divinely guided to this podcast episode with Alison Armstrong as the guest on Know Thyself podcast. What she shared blew my mind! Everything I though I knew about myself and men was truly challenged in the most though provoking and empowering way. Here are some key findings and perspectives from her book the Queen's Code.
Alison Armstrong’s The Queen’s Code is a transformative book about understanding and improving relationships between men and women. Written in a narrative style, the book follows the journey of Kimberly, a frustrated woman navigating romantic relationships, as she learns profound lessons about honouring and appreciating men. Guided by her mentor, Claudia, Kimberly embarks on a path to understand “The Queen’s Code”—a metaphorical set of principles that help women unlock their inner queen while bringing out the best in men.
Core Themes and Insights from The Queen’s Code:
Understanding and Appreciating Men:
•Armstrong emphasises the importance of respecting men for who they are rather than trying to change them. She explains that men and women operate differently due to evolutionary biology, culture, and upbringing.
• Misunderstandings arise when women view men’s behaviours through a female lens, leading to frustration and conflict.
Avoiding “Frog Farming”:
• A central metaphor in the book is “frog farming,” where women unintentionally turn princes (good men) into frogs through criticism, mistrust, or unmet expectations. The Queen’s Code teaches women how to reverse this pattern by fostering trust, appreciation, and open communication.
Power of Communication:
• Armstrong highlights the importance of direct, respectful communication. Women are encouraged to express their needs clearly and to recognise how men process and respond to requests differently.
• She explains how men value being seen as providers and protectors, and how women can honour these traits in meaningful ways.
Embodying the “Queen”:
• The Queen archetype represents a woman who is self-aware, compassionate, and confident. By embodying this energy, women inspire men to rise to their King archetype, fostering mutual growth and fulfilment.
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Armstrong’s 30 Years of Research on Men and Women
Over three decades, Alison Armstrong has studied the dynamics between men and women, focusing on their differences, needs, and perceptions. Her research draws on interviews, workshops, and real-life observations. Here are the key findings from her work:
1. Men and Women Have Different Priorities:
Armstrong found that men are deeply motivated by a desire to provide, protect, and make a difference, while women often seek connection, security, and emotional fulfilment. Understanding these differences can bridge communication gaps.
2. Hormonal and Biological Differences Shape Behaviour:
Armstrong explored how hormonal cycles influence the ways men and women approach challenges, relationships, and decision-making.
3. Cultural Conditioning Causes Misunderstandings:
Many conflicts stem from societal expectations that encourage women to devalue men or expect them to behave like women. Conversely, men are often conditioned to hide vulnerability, leading to emotional disconnection.
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4. Respect and Appreciation Transform Relationships:
Armstrong emphasises that men thrive when they feel respected and appreciated. Women, in turn, flourish when they feel cherished and understood.
5. Partnership is a Team Effort:
True partnership requires mutual effort. Men and women must learn to see each other’s strengths, forgive missteps, and support growth.
Practical Takeaways for Everyday Life:
1. Shift Perspective: See men not as adversaries but as allies. Understand their intentions and strengths rather than focusing on their perceived shortcomings.
2. Practice Gratitude: Regularly acknowledge and appreciate what men contribute, whether in relationships or daily interactions.
3. Communicate with Clarity: Make direct requests instead of expecting men to “read between the lines.”
4. Embody Grace: Let go of blame and criticism, and approach relationships with curiosity and kindness.
The Queen’s Code is both a practical guide and a heartfelt story about personal growth and creating healthier, more fulfilling relationships. Alison Armstrong’s wisdom reminds us that by embracing mutual respect and understanding, men and women can bring out the best in each other.
Alison recommends you listen to her audiobook HERE!